As my children have grown a little bit older it has been fascinating to hear things come out of their mouths that drive me nuts for one moment, then after a chance to ponder what was said I realize that it is something that I say or a way I react at times.Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~Robert Fulghum
This is one of the most frustrating things for me as a parent. I want my children to be better than I am. I want to bequest them a gentle spirit, a slow temper, and grace. However, these things are not things that have ever come naturally to me. I struggle with being graceful, gentle, and slow to explode. How can I possibly hope to pass along a better chance for my children?
One way (there are many) that I work through my weakness with my children is to point them out, tell briefly why I struggle and what outcome I would prefer. At no point do I dismiss any behavior that they have chosen that is not acceptable, however I do often apologize if I have chosen to behave in a way I would not allow them too - ie. yelling.
My four year old son has been talking a lot lately about the "Golden Rule" that we have at our house. He tells our friends, random people in the grocery store, and our family, he is very proud of it. And really a lot of modeling for our children does boil down to the Golden Rule in my mind. Do I want to be treated like I am treating my children? They DO need consequences for their actions - negative and positive, but are my consequences delivered in a respectful way? One that allows my children to grow and develop good habits, and good reactions to the world around them. Do I carry myself in a way that I would be happy to see my children replicate?
Here are two books that we really enjoy as a family that talk about the Golden Rule -
Berenstain Bears -
http://www.amazon.com/Berenstain-Bears-Golden-Living-Lights/dp/0310712475/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1336394699&sr=8-4
Do Unto Otters -
http://www.amazon.com/Do-Unto-Otters-About-Manners/dp/0312581408/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1336394797&sr=8-2
Taken as a whole this is a VERY intimidating idea. No one can act perfectly all of the time, nor should we expect to, however we must remember that how we live our lives has a more powerful influence on our children than we can ever imagine. Do you give to others? Do you treat the store clerk with respect? Do you open doors for the elderly? Think about small ways you can be a positive model for your children and keep building on it!
What are things you are proud of modeling for your kids?
How do you help your kids work through attitudes and words that they need to improve?
Last week Ellis came home and told me that she had a problem with a little girl on the playground saying hurtful things. She said to me: "Mom, I told her all the things you've taught me, but she was still mean." I asked her: "What did you tell the little girl?" She said: "I told her that she's the only one who can control herself and she's the only one that can make herself happy." :) I told her how proud I was that she had stood up for herself in a kind and respectful way and that she had tried to teach her friend something in the process. We then talked about what she needed to do if the friend didn't respond to her words.
ReplyDeleteI think being consistent, listening to what they have to say and being honest with them when I make mistakes are all great ways to reinforce what I want to teach them, but you're right, it all boils down to what they see me doing.
Way to walk Ellis through this situation! No doubt she is listening your advice and watching you carry it out in your own life - little girls sure have a lot of relationship stuff to navigate from such an early age, huh?
DeleteI've had a similar situation as Gabe...had to explain to Hank that he can control his own actions & what his response is to a situation, but that he can't control others. I tried to explain to him that it's important to forgive on the playground even when he doesn't feel it's warranted. (in terms he can understand)
ReplyDeleteSort of along those same lines, I try to remember to apologize to my kids when I lose my temper, etc. and ask for their forgiveness and a hug! I hope that it teaches them to offer grace to others.
Modeling is important. I've learned that through my friends, ECFE parent ed, and through experience! Here is a quote that I have taped above my kitchen sink:
"If you are calm, you are consistent and you always do what you say you are going to do, you will earn your children's trust and respect." -Dr. Kevin Leman
-Lindsay LeClair
Love the quote! I do agree with it, it is a great one to keep handy. Another thing that oftens sweeps through my mind is a Bible verse I memorized a LONG time ago. James 1:19 Be quick to Listen, slow to Speak, and even slower to Anger. It is a verse I believe makes my life a lot easier as a parent when I use it! Thanks for reading -
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